keepcruising | Open Post for FATWS shitposting

[ Bucky just huffs. He really doesn't want to talk about any of it. He feels like he's barely started to figure out who he is again and now he has to talk about it with other people? ]

Yeah, you're a real prizewinner.

[ He crosses his arms. ]

Did they ever make you talk to a therapist?

They usually set up something for veterans.

[ usually. not always. there are always people who fall through the system. ]

But they don't keep track as well as they should.

Too busy double-tracking me, I guess.

[ There's a part of Bucky that knows he needs it, but if he's going to get anything out of Fake-Cap, at least it's being free from therapy sessions, at least for a little while.

Besides, how can he self-isolate when he's actively working with someone? He's pretty sure he'll be back to court-ordered therapy by the time it's all over, anyway, and then he can go back to not answering his phone and lying about his nightmares once a week. ]

I think that's the dumbest anyone's ever be arrested for. Outside of Florida, anyway.

[ something in sam's expressions tightens around the corners, even if his tone is light. ]

Is it?

[ Bucky gets the feeling he just said something wrong, but considering his entire life lately, that's all par for the course, isn't it? If there's a way to be weird and awkward, Bucky's going to find it and Sam's going to make it worse. Cool.

God, he misses Steve like he'd miss an arm. Probably more than he'd miss an arm, actually... ]

I don't know, Sam. I'll make a note in my journal to look it up and make sure.

[ Right between all the people he needs to apologize to whose names stare at him like a list of all the reasons he doesn't deserve this extra time. ]

[ sam is well-versed in anger. all soldiers are, in some degree. there is a burn in you that you carry, more than the sadness and the baggage. the weight of consequence. but what happened on the street was different. sam gets why bucky may not have realized that, but he also doesn't want to be the one to put it into words. it's real enough without speaking it.

but he does because he understands. ]

They were going to arrest me for talking to you in a raised voice. On the street. I shouldn't need ID or being the Falcon to avoid that, but here we are.

[ Bucky opens his mouth like he's about to argue, but some level of personal progress has got to stick at the age of 106, right? He closes it again.

Don't put your foot in your mouth again, Barnes. ]

Shit.

[ Because yeah Bucky had gotten kind of wrapped up in the whole experience between reliving some memories he'd rather not with Isaiah and then getting arrested himself...

He's quiet for a moment and in his head he can hear Sam's voice cracking jokes about the gears whirring. Except he's not joking right now. ]

Look, I know it's not the point, but I wouldn't have let them arrest you. Or anyone else who didn't deserve it.

[ Fighting police: probably not a great look for a guy who was just pardoned by the president, but Bucky never said he had good judgment. He and Sam might fight, but that doesn't mean Bucky would leave him hanging. Hell, he'd wanted to see Sam take up that shield. He can't say the same for fucking Walker. ]

And I know--I know I shouldn't have to, but I can't really fix that, right? Besides, I'd rather get arrested for doing the right thing than skipping therapy, anyway.

[ he knows. it's not a feeling in his bones or the instinctive thud of his heart. he knows because it is a fact, immutable, unbreakable. steve gave him a shield, but all sam could see was a shaky reflection of himself. blurred. unsteady.

in bucky, no matter how hard they butt head, he sees himself. unbreaking lines of truth. a shield in its own right. maybe that's what sam needs. even if his head keeps spinning with each new change. ]

I know, man. There's no way you wouldn't have let it happen. But it happens everywhere. No amount of shine is gonna help me dodge it.

[ sam breathes out. or at least tries to. ]

Gotta take the knocks and keep going.

Yeah.

[ Bucky crams his gloved hands into his jacket pockets. A lot of things are different now than they were in the 40s, but maybe some of them aren't different enough.

Steve had woken up suddenly and had to learn everything at once, but what Bucky's processing is different. He'd seen the world change, but he hadn't been himself doing it. Still, he can't help thinking this might have been easier with Steve here, even if he never would have asked Steve to make that sacrifice for him.

It's hard, but Bucky can do hard. He can take his own knocks and keep going, too, and maybe that's why Steve had felt okay leaving them with each other, because Sam's got his own scars even if Bucky doesn't know where all of them are yet. You don't see active service like they have and walk away unscathed and he knows that. ]

You sound even more like Steve when you put it like that.

[ There's a sad sort of smile thrown Sam's way as he says that. He's not trying to dig in about the shield this time. He just finds it comforting to see that reminder of Steve's stubborn determination. It's what had made him Steve way before the serum had given him muscles. ]

[ sam's not sure how he feels about that. on one hand, it's flattering, for sure. as sam told nick fury long ago, they were similar people. sam has his own reckless and stubborn streak a mile long, but it is tempered by a different collection of life experiences. the kind steve didn't have to deal with. the kind that keeps isaiah bitter and alone.

he's not bitter. sam's never held onto any illusions that came to bite him back. but after being with steve this long . . . maybe he does feel alone in it. five years and in a blink, sam is also a man out of time.

sam manages a faint smile. ]

Some of it is bound to rub off me.

You know he was even worse when he was small and sick, right?

[ Maybe not worse, exactly, but Bucky remembers being a lot more worried that Steve's stupid body would give out on him. Nothing about Steve that matters had come out of the serum. In Bucky's eyes, it had just made him safer.

He glances at Sam again, a little more unguarded this time. Talking about Steve doesn't feel easy right now. They'd barely gotten each other back before Steve had left again and Bucky had never been much of an open book before. ]

Whatever, you don't have the excuse of being a small little shit.

And I don't need any excuse.

[ his feet are firmly planted and he won't sit here and wait for ghosts to dissipate from bucky's eyes. the present is moving and sam will move with it. ]

This is who I am.

Open Post for FATWS shitposting

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