keepcruising | post-IW

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Bucky's not sure exactly what happened. One minute, he'd been walking towards Steve feeling sicker than he'd ever felt in his life and the next thing he knew, he'd stumbled and woken up on the ground in Wakanda alone. No, not alone. Others had been waking up around them, but Steve hadn't been among them and Bucky couldn't help the rising panic in his chest at that thought. He hadn't been unaware of the possibility that one of them could die. It's a possibility in any fight, but he's not ready to lose Steve. He'd barely been ready to fight, himself.

That's how T'Challa finds him sitting in the dirt and drags him back to the palace for an explanation. The story at the palace hadn't been promising. Steve had been alive, but he'd left to find Thanos. Bucky can only guess that they'd won somehow, but he doesn't know if Steve is even alive right now.

Steve's always had a knack for leaping into danger and if he thought Bucky was dead, well... Bucky's not an idiot. He knows that it would have only made Steve more reckless, especially in the wake of all their late night conversations and half-hinted feelings, the way Steve sits closer now than he used to and the way he lets Bucky look for excuses to touch him. He's seen the way Steve looks at him when he thinks Bucky isn't looking and maybe Bucky should have said something when he'd had the chance, but he can't imagine anyone really wants such a broken man.

For Steve, he thinks, it's about missing his best friend and being confused, but for Bucky, it's not much different than it's always been. He's always been a little in love with Steve Rogers. He might be more clingy these days, but that's just never changed.

So he sends a text to the phone that he really doesn't expect to be working anymore and he stays at the palace to wait. Steve will come back if he's out there. He has to.

Where are you?

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Steve isn't the type to rock the boat, not when it comes to Bucky. His eyes close and his past comes back to him in small flashes behind his eyes. His smile turns into an almost nostalgic one as he remembers a lifetime ago in Brooklyn. The roles had reversed from back then. A much smaller Steve, cradled in Bucky's arms as his best friend had tried to keep him warm. The blankets and the body heat just enough to keep the chill away while Steve shivered from the cold and the fever.

Now it was his turn to take care of them.

There was a part of Steve that didn't want to fight anymore. He wanted the quiet. He wanted the calm life with Bucky, the farm, even the goats. It was a fool's dream, something that probably would never happen but Steve can still think about it sometimes.

"I'm here now, punk, so just relax." Leaning down, Steve pressed a kiss to Bucky's cheek. "Shhh, you're safe. I'm not going anywhere." Steve will take the clingy, mostly because he's giving back as good as he's getting. He's all arms and legs, wanting to cocoon Bucky the best that he can. One hand moved to the small of his back, keeping Bucky flush against him. When Bucky was ready to talk, Steve would listen.

For now, Steve is just a rock, a blanket or whatever Bucky wants to think of him in terms of security. He isn't going anywhere.

In another life, Bucky wouldn't worry about his own safety. For a long time, he hadn't, but the doctors have been working with him on that and even beyond learning to value himself a little more, he's working through a lot of his own fears and anxieties. He doesn't like fighting because it's too easy to give into training that he's fought to deprogram himself from. It's too easy to charge in and risk life and limb for a mission. In some ways, he can worse than Steve if he really lets himself fall into that headspace.

Now, he's worried. He's worried about himself and he's worried about Steve and how the two of them are so wrapped up in each other that it can't really be healthy for either of them in the long run, but for now Steve is like a lifeline to him, anchoring him into reality and a life where Bucky Barnes can be more than just a soldier.

"Not my safety I was worried about, you fucking jerk." He rests his head on Steve's shoulder and tries not to think too much about that kiss on his cheek and how easy it would be to turn his head and kiss Steve for real. Even now, he knows what a bad idea that would be. If he gives in now, he's just going to drag Steve down more.

He shifts again so he can settle in between Steve's legs on the floor, the bulk of his weight against Steve's chest and God, Steve looks and smells like shit and Bucky loves him for it, because he's here and he's alive and he's so undeniably Steve Rogers that it hurts.

He's not the only one that has the same fears. One thing that they have in common is their paranoia, sad as it may be. The idea hasn't gone unnoticed by others just how much the two of them are wrapped up in each other. And yet, nobody dares say a word to him. He can be the kindest, most moral and patriotic man that there ever was. When it comes to Bucky, Steve becomes his most selfish and greedy. He cannot lose Bucky again.

"Then it's a good thing we're both worried about each other, you fucking punk." Steve growled the words into Bucky's ear, clinging to the man. One of his hands slowly move up into Bucky's hair, gently running his fingers through the soft locks.

There's so much Steve wants to say, so much he wants to get out while he still can. Tomorrow he might be dead and then he'll have never told Bucky the truth about any of it. A shiver ran down him as he felt Bucky so close, a part of him almost wishing that he'd been bolder with the kiss himself.

"You know, we could get off the floor," Steve teased.

Bucky's ready to argue that the floor is just fine, but he's not even sure what Steve's been through and he'd already fallen asleep here and it really isn't comfortable. Much as he doesn't want to let go, he figures he'll be okay moving as long as they can stay together for a little while.

"Where do you want to move?" His head is still on Steve's shoulder, voice quiet and breath hot against Steve's neck.

He should probably ask Steve where he's been or where he needs to go. There have to be people out there who need Captain America, but Bucky just can't be that selfless right now because they might need Captain America, but Bucky needs Steve Rogers desperately. They've spent so much time apart, trying desperately to keep in touch and visit when they can and Bucky's done his best to not need more than Steve could give, but now he just needs this.

"Here, I..."

His movements are slow, almost careful as he doesn't want to spook Bucky or hurt him in any way. He's careful as he extricates himself from Bucky's grasp, only long enough to move up onto his feet. As he moves, he wraps an arm around Bucky's back and pulls his friend with him. Together, they walk over to his bed, letting Bucky call the shots and Steve just moving him. He'll always be there, always help Bucky in any way that he can.

Even if the feel of Bucky's breath against his neck was something he really wanted to feel again. Steve closed his eyes and sighed, trying not to think about it.

"Lay down," he murmured. Steve began to strip out of his uniform, leaving a white undershirt and a pair of blue boxers still on. Once he's got the sweaty uniform off, he's in bed beside Bucky and cradling him once more. In that moment, he didn't care who needed Captain America. In that moment, Steve needed Bucky.

Bucky lets Steve pull him up and he sits on the edge of the bed, taking off his own combat jacket and boots and leaving them on the floor next to the bed without much care. He'll deal with them later. It's just not where his focus is right now.

He lies back in an undershirt and his combat pants and watches Steve move closer and once Steve's in reach, he turns on his side so that he's facing Steve and reaches for him, his hand sliding over Steve's waist to pull him closer. As he shifts closer in the bed, he ducks his head to tuck it under Steve's chin.

This is a dangerous game. He shouldn't let this happen, because it's just blurring the lines further between them, but he really can't make himself care right now. They both need it.

"You smell horrible." He laughs a little, but his arm is wrapping around Steve's back to keep him close, anyway. It's not a complaint. God, he's just happy Steve's alive.

Strong arms easily wind around Bucky, pulling the man in close to him. Hands gently stroke up an down his back as he rests his cheek against Bucky's head. His eyes close and a small sigh slips out. The other man fits so easily against Steve, their bodies flush together. It's a feeling that Steve is very happy with.

He knows he shouldn't do this. They shouldn't let each other get this close, but he can't stop himself.

One hand presses to the small of Bucky's back as he clings to him, twining their legs together. "Well, I didn't really get a chance to shower, Buck," he teased. "Came straight here. So, you get to smell my manly scent which is a mix of sweat and blood."

He gazed down at Bucky, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Bucky can't help laughing more. It bubbles out of him like all the worry of the day and his relief at getting an answer from Steve when he'd texted him are floating out of him violently, replaced by something he's a little too afraid to name.

His hold on Steve tightens and he sighs. He can't remember the last time he'd felt that worried and utterly lost. The idea of losing Steve crosses his mind often, but it's usually not with a huge and tangible reality that supports it. That battle had been... Bucky doesn't even know how to describe it. It had been horrible, because too much had been at stake and Steve's never one to do anything less but fight with his whole being. He's always been like that and it's always scared Bucky a little.

"Hopefully not too much of yours, right? You don't need a doctor?" Because Bucky's not afraid to bring one to him if he has to. If Steve needs to be taken care of, Bucky can do that. It's something he's always done and he has no intention of stopping now.

"Hey..." Steve looked down at Bucky, gently brushing his cheek. "If I needed a doctor, I'd go see one. I don't. I'm a little sore, but nothing time won't fix." He let his lips brush down to Bucky's temple, lightly kissing it. "Yeah, some of the blood is mine, but not all of it."

The feeling of being without Bucky had been unbearable. It had taken Natasha and Sam just to get him to keep going. Only them reminding him Bucky wouldn't want him to act that way was the only thing that pushed him forward. Bucky would want him to keep fighting, so he did.

"You remember when we were back in Brooklyn? That lug had beat me up so bad. If it wasn't for you, I don't know what I would have done. Left a shiner for days?" He sighed, his hold on Bucky tight, one hand rubbing up and down his good arm. "You kept me safe, Buck. Now it's my turn."

That's something Bucky's had to really adjust to in Wakanda. He's always been much more the protector than the protected. It's not an easy roll for him to take, especially not with Steve, because he's always protected Steve most of all.

"It was never like that." The words are mumbled into Steve's shoulder. "We keep each other safe."

Steve keeps kissing him in these chaste pseudo-platonic ways, though, and it knocks Bucky even more off-kilter. He wonders if Steve is just losing his own self control in worry or if he knows what he's doing to Bucky, how every gesture like that pulls at Bucky's heart in a dangerous way.

He feels like he's unraveling a little, like he's on a roller coaster stopped right before the big drop and he can see it in front of him and it's terrifying, but he's already strapped in the car and there's no getting off and he knows that because he's been tied up in Steve Rogers his whole life, but he can't let himself take that last step to close what little space remains between them.

If only Steve really knew what Bucky was thinking. The soft, chaste kisses are just that, test kisses. He wants so much more from Bucky, but he has no clue if his friend even remotely wants it either. So he kisses. And he holds. And wonders about what ifs and days gone by. There is no way Bucky could want him in the way that he wants Bucky.

His friend. His best friend. The only thing Bucky wants is to know that he's safe.

His eyes close and he hangs on tight, clinging to Bucky and wishing he could just man up and grow a pair or whatever other cliche he could think of. "We... Together," he whispered. "Just like the old days."

He bites his lip, so glad that Bucky isn't looking up at him. He's glad his friend cant see the feelings in his eyes or how badly he just wants to kiss Bucky. He sighs, resting his cheek against Bucky's head, a small yawn slipping out. "You're comfy," he mumbled.

Bucky hums in response. It's not really like the old days anymore. They've both been through so much and they've both changed a lot and not just physically. The fights are bigger now. It's not Steve risking bruised ribs in an alley, it's aliens and world decimating events and they're both pretty traumatized. Bucky can see that now.

Back when Steve had brought him to Wakanda, Bucky had thought it was just him and that Steve had been mostly okay. Now that he's got Steve clinging to him, he can see that he'd been wrong about that, too. Even as Steve's lying here promising to take care of Bucky, Bucky can see that he needs to be taken care of, too. Maybe Bucky had been just as tricked by the muscles as everyone else, because he never would have thought Steve hadn't needed him before.

"So are you." Smell and all, he'd just so relieved to have Steve here.

Something coils in his chest, like a spring threatening to break through his rib cage. He could have lost Steve. Steve had thought that he had lost Bucky. He doesn't know how much more of this either of them can take, but he still feels so raw from the fight and the feeling of almost-loss of the one thing he knows he'll never survive without.

He turns his head and presses his lips to Steve's throat, just above the neckline of his undershirt. It's barely a kiss, but it's there.

Traumatized doesn't even begin to describe how Steve feels sometimes. Wakanda had been the only place to save Bucky. That was why he'd originally brought him here. T'Challa had been so great to both of them and it was a friendship he hoped he never ruined. Steve was good about hiding his emotions, compartmentalizing and not letting people in.

He didn't do that with Bucky.

"Yeah?" He chuckled, looking down at Bucky, reaching up to run a hand through his soft hair. As big as Steve was, he was still a scared little runt inside. For Steve, the coil already broke. He thought he had lost Bucky. He'd barely been able to fight, barely been able to go through the motions. The only thing that kept him going was Natasha reminding him Bucky would want him to fight, to never give up. He didn't just fight for Bucky or for his revenge. Bucky was the only thing that kept him going at all.

A shiver runs through him, something he's sure Bucky has to feel. His grip automatically tightens and he clutches at Bucky's good bicep hard. One hand reached down, cupping Bucky's chin and tilting his face higher. The look in his eyes is clear. It's a mix of hesitation and desire.

"Buck... I..." And he just couldn't take it anymore. Both hands move down, cupping Bucky's cheeks as he leaned in to kiss him. The kiss is chaste, a gentle press of lips for now, letting Bucky set the pace. He's sure Bucky can hear his heart pounding.

There's always been a tether between them, Bucky thinks, like a rubber band that pulls them back together whenever it stretches too thin. It had pulled Steve to him in Azzano, it had brought the Winter Soldier knocking down Steve's door and it had brought Steve to him right before he'd been arrested. Now, it's pulling them together again, having been pulled tight with loss and grief and distance. The distance is too much. It's been too much for a while now, but the tension of that tether is there, palpable and frightening in its own way, because the harder they pull at it, the harder it throws them back together.

He feels Steve shiver and instinctively rubs his hands over Steve's back like he would have all those years ago when Steve was so small and always so cold in the winter. There's a need in him to always take care of Steve that he'll never outgrow or leave behind entirely.

The kiss doesn't catch him off guard. He can see it coming and maybe he's been waiting for it, anticipating with equal parts want and fear as they tip over that edge they can't come back from. So he kisses back, just as gentle when his lips move carefully against Steve's. Even if he'd been staving this off himself, he's never been good at denying Steve.

"Me, too." The words are mumbled against Steve's lips.

He needs this. They both do.

"Good."

He doesn't bother to say anything else. There are no words that can be spoken, nothing that could do anything except hinder the moment. The kiss starts out chaste, but he's not sure how long he can keep it that way. His hands roam, wanting to feel everything, every inch as he loses himself in the tactile sensation of everything. Bucky's lips. Bucky's body. The way they both seem to fit together like puzzle pieces.

He knows in his heart, he loves Bucky. More than anything else. He loves him and he wants nothing more than to be with him. While he can't promise forever, he can promise this.

It's too late now. They've jumped over the precipice and Steve doesn't hold back. One hand cups Bucky's cheek, letting his thumb trail agonizingly slowly along Bucky's jawline as he playfully nips at Bucky's bottom lip.

"That was... About damn time," he moaned.

Bucky does what he can to keep the kiss slow and soft. He's not sure he can handle much else, but the way Steve's hand feel on him is amazing. It's like an electrical current passes through wherever Steve touches him and it's dangerous but it's also making him feel more alive than he has in a long time.

His own hands slide over Steve's back, slow and deliberate. He hasn't let himself want or need much in a long, long time, but right now he needs Steve the way he needs oxygen.

He wants to warn Steve about all the ways he's broken now, all the reasons that this could break them both more, but he can't bring himself to say anything that would make them stop, so he keeps it all inside.

"Don't do that to me again." He rubs his nose against Steve's. "Don't let me think you're dead."

This is a bad idea. Steve deserves so much more than Bucky can give him, but Bucky's way too selfish to let it go.

"Don't do that again? You want me to stop kissing you," he teased. "Well, if you insist."

His words are an empty threat. Steve won't pull away, but he does like to watch Bucky squirm. He smiles as he noses Bucky in return, one hand gently running through his friend's soft hair. He needs Bucky like a drowning man needs a lifeline. Words can't convey how much he needs his friend.

"Could say the same to you," he teased. One hand moved up and he caressed Bucky's cheek with his knuckles. He feels like they should stop somehow, like this dance should end but he doesn't want the music to stop.

A laugh bubbles out of him, quiet but genuine. He's missed this. Fuck, he's missed Steve so much. Rare quick visits and skype sessions aren't enough. He can't remember the last time he felt like he was getting enough of Steve. Before the war, probably, because even during the war he remembers having to suddenly learn to share Steve.

He's so tired of sharing Steve with so many people. Some days it feels like his piece just isn't big enough anymore.

"I mean it. Staying here while you're out there is hard enough." He can't ask Steve to stay and he can't go with him. It's no secret that he's still got a lot of healing to do here, even if they could keep him hidden, he's still only half a man some days.

"Bucky, stop." He took one of Bucky's hands and placed it over his heart. He hated it every time that he left and he counted the hours till he could come back. It was dangerous, but he just couldn't stop himself. He cared for his best friend that much. "You know I hate going..."

He hated sharing too. Mostly because he felt like he had no choice in the matter. Things came up and he had to help with them. People's lives were at stake, usually.

His eyes narrow and he stares hard at Bucky. "I'm here. Focus on that for now," he murmured. Leaning in close, he pressed another kiss to Bucky, before moving down to his neck to kiss him there too. "Right now, it's just us. That's all that matters."

Bucky lets himself focus on the feeling of Steve's heartbeat under his fingers. He's alive and he's here with Bucky and that's all Bucky needs right now. He can't ask Steve to change who he is and he doesn't really want Steve to change, either. That drive to defend people is part of what makes Steve who he is and Bucky love him for it.

"Okay." He closes his eyes and tips his head to give Steve better access. "Okay, I can do that."

His hand slides down Steve's chest and around his side to slide up his back and hold him close. He sighs and tries to let himself relax more, even though he's almost as scared of what Steve does to him as he is of losing Steve.

"Keep doing that." There's a smile in his voice, but his eyes are still closed.

"If you're sure... I need you to be sure about this." He kissed down to Bucky's adam's apple, sucking lightly on it. One hand moved up and down Bucky's back, dragging his fingernails lightly over his spine.

There was no kind of with Steve. He was scared. He hoped it didn't show too much in the way he trembled beneath Bucky's touch. He wasn't sure what scared him more, the fact that he was so upset over losing Bucky or how much he was unraveling now that his friend was back. Friend didn't even begin to cover how he felt about the man beside him.

For him, there had never been anyone else. Losing Bucky had almost killed him. He knows it's unhealthy, but he just can't stop himself from wanting it. His mouth moves lower, teeth grazing over Bucky's collarbone as a small moan slips out. His body begins to react, causing Steve to blush. That is what Bucky does to him, even when he wasn't around.

Steve would never admit all the times he'd thought of Bucky in his life.

"You know, when you smile like that, you're pretty damn cute."

Bucky whines under his breath, barely audible but there as Steve's lips move over his skin. He's not sure about anything, this least of all. It's a bad idea. It's going to destroy him, but he's so sick of having so many walls up all the time. He wants to let Steve in and build them back up around the two of them until no one can touch them again.

There's only one thing he's sure of: He loves Steve Rogers more than he's ever loved anyone, even himself.

"I'm pretty cute all the time." His breath is shaky, fingers clenching at Steve's shirt. He can feel Steve trembling, but he's shaking, too. There's so much feeling behind this that it's overwhelming. Being with Steve feels like coming home, even just being in a room with him. This is so far beyond that feeling, safe and frightening all at once.

He tips Steve's chin up with a finger and tips his head down to press another kiss to Steve's lips. "I'm not going anywhere if I can help it."

Steve moaned a little louder than before. His heart pounded in his chest and his pulse began to race. Reaching up, he cupped Bucky's cheek as he returned the kiss, easily letting the man guide him with one finger. He couldn't help the feeling that was growing inside of him.

It was a feeling he didn't want to suppress anymore.

"Mmm, very cute and very mine." Steve deepened the kiss, clinging to Bucky as he plunged his tongue into Bucky's mouth. The feeling he had when he was in Bucky's arms was something he'd never felt before. He felt safe and welcome, as if this is where he belonged.

"We're not going anywhere," he purred. "So, let's just make the most of this."

There's a shuddering breath he can't quite control as they kiss, like a lifetime of tension is slowly draining from him.

"Been yours for a long time, Steve." Maybe always. He's not really sure anymore, but he can't remember a time he wasn't a little stupid for Steve Rogers, more devoted than he probably should've been and never unhappy about it, because that's how love works.

He presses closer, lets his legs tangle with Steve's as they kiss like he never wants to let go.

"I've been yours since that crappy little apartment in Brooklyn, Buck." Probably longer, if he thought about it, but he had been a kid. He didn't really know back then what he was doing. As he grew older, into a man, he knew what he wanted. And it wasn't the girls Bucky kept trying to set him up with.

Granted, it was a different time back then. He couldn't have Bucky, not like that, not with the times they were. So, he kept his thoughts to himself. At least he had Bucky as his best friend and that's all he could hope for, right?

No, now he knew he could have it all.

Steve groaned into the kiss, wanting so much to just take Bucky and never let him go. "God, I... You make me feel so happy."

Bucky had liked the girls he'd been with. He's never let himself really overthink things with Steve too much, but there'd always been a sense of longing there and a sense of permanence between them. He couldn't have pictured a life for himself where Steve wouldn't have been his partner in so many ways.

"Good." He smiles, eyes lighting up as he looks at Steve. Making him happy is important. Steve sacrifices so much for everyone else. Bucky just wants to take care of him. He's always wanted that, even when he hadn't been sure what it had meant. He always feels better around Steve. Lighter.

"You make me happy, too."

Steve nodded his head, stopping what he was doing to stare into Bucky's eyes. "The feeling is mutual." His voice is low and quiet, barely above a whisper but he knows that Bucky can hear him. All the past, everything in their lives had led them to this moment. It had been a long and arduous road, with many perils along the way, but it had brought them here. For that, Steve wouldn't trade that for the world.

In a way, they really take care of each other. When they were together and it was just them, the rest of the world faded away. Steve craved that quiet, with no missions or fighting and just enjoying the moment together.

Them together.

"You remember that time when it was my birthday and I tried to make a cake," he asked softly. "It came out terrible. It tasted chalky and it was all we could to take two bites before we threw it in the garbage?" He laughed, letting his hand trail slowly up and down Bucky's bicep. "It didn't matter, because you were there. And you told me a birthday was about the people around you, not the things or the food."

Steve leaned in close, kissing Bucky's neck. "I always want you around me."

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