Steve Rogers (
unshielding) wrote in
keepcruising2018-09-02 07:31 pm
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Steve had never seen himself going to prison. For some reason he'd thought that doing the right thing had been some kind of shield he could throw around to protect himself. It's not even that he'd wanted to avoid consequence so much as that he'd never thought through exactly how far the right thing and the law might stray from each other.
None of that really matters, anyway, because the trial is over and Steve is looking at a minimum of two years in minimum security prison. This is his life for the next two years. It puts college on hold and it may stick with him for the rest of his life and he still doesn't think he did a damn thing wrong, but that doesn't make the prospect of being in prison any less daunting. His sentence would have been worse if the judge hadn't had a soft spot for veterans, too. Steve had hated letting his lawyer play that card, but he hadn't had much of a choice.
He's got muscles, at least. As he's going through the intake process, he notices most of the men are smaller than him and a few of them eye him warily. He says nothing to anyone unless he's supposed to, leaving the chatter to a skinny man with a face tattoo and whoever he can manage to pull answers from.
There's a pile of clothes and sheets and toiletries in his arms and as they're led in, the group is split up among the blocks. Steve is in C block, he's told, and his cell mate will be a man named Barnes. It all means nothing to Steve, but he remembers the details, anyway. Everything looks the same in here and he wonders what kind of criminal he'll be sharing a cell with. Enough of the men in here come from unwinnable situations. It's not something Steve would look down his nose at. His neighborhood wasn't exactly a safe suburban haven, either, and he could have easily fallen in with a bad crowd or made the wrong decision and wound up in their shoes. He doesn't let himself forget that. Most of them are minor drug offenders or small time thieves, maybe a few bigger offenders moved here for years of good behavior.
When he finally gets to his cell, the top bunk is made and there are a few personal items strewn about. Steve puts his pile on the bottom bunk and starts to unfold his bedding. He resists the urge to dig through Barnes' things to learn more about him.
None of that really matters, anyway, because the trial is over and Steve is looking at a minimum of two years in minimum security prison. This is his life for the next two years. It puts college on hold and it may stick with him for the rest of his life and he still doesn't think he did a damn thing wrong, but that doesn't make the prospect of being in prison any less daunting. His sentence would have been worse if the judge hadn't had a soft spot for veterans, too. Steve had hated letting his lawyer play that card, but he hadn't had much of a choice.
He's got muscles, at least. As he's going through the intake process, he notices most of the men are smaller than him and a few of them eye him warily. He says nothing to anyone unless he's supposed to, leaving the chatter to a skinny man with a face tattoo and whoever he can manage to pull answers from.
There's a pile of clothes and sheets and toiletries in his arms and as they're led in, the group is split up among the blocks. Steve is in C block, he's told, and his cell mate will be a man named Barnes. It all means nothing to Steve, but he remembers the details, anyway. Everything looks the same in here and he wonders what kind of criminal he'll be sharing a cell with. Enough of the men in here come from unwinnable situations. It's not something Steve would look down his nose at. His neighborhood wasn't exactly a safe suburban haven, either, and he could have easily fallen in with a bad crowd or made the wrong decision and wound up in their shoes. He doesn't let himself forget that. Most of them are minor drug offenders or small time thieves, maybe a few bigger offenders moved here for years of good behavior.
When he finally gets to his cell, the top bunk is made and there are a few personal items strewn about. Steve puts his pile on the bottom bunk and starts to unfold his bedding. He resists the urge to dig through Barnes' things to learn more about him.
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Asking what someone did wrong with their life is a can of worms at best and a lifetime enemy from the jump at worst, so he pockets the urge and guides them past the commissary. "You can stock up on junk food and hygiene supplies there. Think the max amount you can have on your account is like three hundred bucks or something, but if you keep a steady job and don't blow through the Cup Noodles you'll be fine."
They pass a set of chained and guarded double doors, which Bucky doesn't go into detail on, just vaguely says, yard. They can't head out there now anyway, too late in the day and it's raining outside. And the last stop is the bathrooms, rows of urinals and toilets across from showers partitioned by tear-away curtains.
He points to one on the far left, "That's got the best water pressure. Two doors down the cold doesn't work so if you like scalding water, you're in for a treat. Annnnd-"
A point at the one on the furthest right. "That one's got a glory hole, so unless you're aiming to suck or be sucked, best steer clear."
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His eyes skim over the commissary as they pass, thinking of what he might actually buy there once he's got the funds. Between his appetite and personal grooming needs, he really will need to make sure he finds a job that pays enough. He can't expect any money from anyone outside.
Passing the door to the yard gives him pause and he takes a moment to look out the little window. Maybe more than the bars, the fact that he knows he can't be outside without permission is what really drives the point home that he's trapped here. This is real. He's really in prison.
The last steps to the bathroom feel more somber, but he follows Bucky into it, a little too distracted by his thoughts to really commit which shower is best to memory until--
"Doesn't the limited number of guys in here take some of the mystery out of a glory hole?"
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With a little shake of his head, he's got to admit, "Not a whole lot of fish in the pond, though."
Fish that'd be happy to take a nibble at some bait now that Steve's broad shoulders wandered in, maybe, but that still doesn't make it worth the risk for him. He'll just... kindly lead them out of the bathroom and back toward the cell blocks.
"That's basically it. Aside from Alex and the Skinheads, everyone else'll more or less leave you alone if you do the same. It's pretty quiet until it isn't." And then they're ambling back toward their designated room, and he curls his fingers around the bars at their entranceway. "Questions?"
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In fact, the army seems to have prepared him for a lot of aspects of life in prison. No wonder Bucky and his friends seem like they're staying relatively sane. The food's no worse, the accommodations might actually be a little better in some ways and he's guessing almost all of them have had to entertain themselves alone in the god damned desert at some point. At least the prison is air conditioned and no one is trying to make them kill anyone or step on a land mine.
"Yeah. Did I miss lunch?" This time when he smiles a little, he doesn't try so hard to hide it. Maybe this won't be so bad. Two years here can't be any worse than two in Afghanistan and the company seems alright. He can make the best of this.
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Too attractive, and friendly, and possibly smart although Barnes hasn't had any real confirmation for that. Too good to be true, the roommate lottery, so he points accusingly.
"Alright, what's the catch? What's your deal? I'm not gonna walk in one day to find you licking my shoes or something, right?"
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"I would really rather not lick your shoes if it's all the same to you." Steve throws an unimpressed look at him.
"I don't do drugs. I don't have any weird agendas to push on you. I'm not planning to touch any of you personal belongings. I don't particularly like violence, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let anyone push me around about it. I just want to get through my time here and leave."
A pause.
"Sometimes I talk in my sleep. That's your catch."
Nightmares, actually, but he hasn't woken up yelling in a while.
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"Fair enough," he deems, because if the worst he's going to have to deal with is ridiculous sleep-mumbling then maybe things'll be better with Steve than they were for the entirety of the last year with Brock.
And thus, Barnes giveth his blessing and the tour is officially over. Circles back around to Steve's question, with an apologetically wry smile, "Lunch is in twenty. Settle in."
He pats the bars absently, and with that, disappears from the cell to give Steve his space. It's a tiny little measure of trust, he doesn't watch his shit like a hawk and that's a pretty good start.
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He watches Bucky go with a hint of amusement and maybe even a little relief and then he finishes putting his few belongings away before lunch.
After that, he finds himself spending considerable time with Bucky and his group. Maybe not all of it, because Steve still likes his space and the quiet of the library, but enough that he's starting to feel like they're accepting him. They're all friendly enough and Steve isn't going to pry into anyone's lives, but he does fall easily into their banter. Where he might have imagined fights with the sharpened back end of a tooth brush, he mostly gets playful barbs and the occasional middle finger.
For the first week, he manages to live in the space with Bucky without incident, too, but it's about nine days in that he has his first big nightmare, not that he knows it. He's still sleeping, but the whimpers aren't exactly quiet and when he shifts violently on the bottom bunk, it shakes Bucky's top bunk.
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At night they take to their bunks with casual conversation and a little laughter. They talk about whatever either of them happens to be reading that night, or speculate on the state of affairs of the people around them. They joke about the five-star aspects of prison like they both haven't been somewhere a million times worse.
Bucky still doesn't know what he's in for, or how long. That's the kind of deep question you only bring up when the timing is right, and so far he thinks it hasn't been. They've been surface level and not a foot beyond.
Until tonight, apparently, when the gentle shaking of his bunk wakes him. Steve murmurs into the dark and - yeah, he can spot a nightmare from a mile away. He gets them himself sometimes, he imagines Rhodey and Wilson do too but they don't talk about it. They don't have Vet Group here, after all, this is god damn prison.
Barnes shifts, curls over the edge of the bunk with his left harm holding tight against the frame to keep himself from spilling over.
"Steve," he mutters, and only once he's said it does he realize it probably isn't enough to wake anyone. He tries again a little louder, conscious of the people in the cell on either side of them. "Steve."
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Steve's always taken on responsibility for everything around him. He can't help it and the army hadn't done much to take that away. Even in here, he knows he'll look after his new friends for as long as they'll have him. It might not be some dangerous no man's land, but there are still dangerous people in here. He hadn't liked the way Alex had looked at Bucky, for one thing, and he's been keeping an eye out for Alex as a result. Dumb as it might be to get wrapped up in someone else's business, Bucky had been kind right off the bat. He's easy to get along with and not because Steve just doesn't have to think about it.
"No." The word is muttered in his sleep. He's managed to kick off the blanket halfway, but his legs are tangled in it and he's struggling against the binding of it. It's that motion that's shaking the bed frame. "I'm sorry."
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Plus, if he gets any louder he'll wake up the craggy asshole next door and Bucky's not trying to deal with that for the next week, thanks.
Decision made, he eases a hand forward and settles it on Steve's shoulder just shy of the neck. Doesn't shake so much as grip, because being shaken awake is a hell of an experience. He opts for soothing, with pressing fingertips and a sliding thumb along fevered skin.
"Steve," It's a little more firm this time, but at a closer range maybe a little more impactful.
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One moment, his movements are settling and the next his eyes snap open. It still takes a moment for him to take in his surroundings and focus on Bucky's face, though. It feels like he was just in the desert and it takes a moment for him to catch up with the fact that he's in prison.
"Bucky." He closes his eyes and lets out a slow sigh. "Sorry."
He starts to push himself up to sit, voice low in the dark cell. "What's it going to take to make this up to you?"
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"Don't worry about it," he says, even as the lines under his eyes indicate a wash of tiredness. "Pay it forward when I start kickin' holes in the bunk above you some time."
Because god knows if they start keeping score on nightmares they'll tally up the entire wall and never really figure out who owes who in the end.
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He reaches next to his bed for a book and the little book light he'd been allowed to keep. "Will it keep you up if I'm reading down here? I don't think I'm going back to sleep after that."
And he doesn't have anything to be awake for, anyway. It doesn't matter if he's tired tomorrow, so he might as well not pretend. He's always been able to get by on less sleep, anyway.
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He shakes his head even as he rises to his feet.
"Knock yourself out," He murmurs his assent, and ascends to the top bunk using only forward momentum and a roll of his body in a frankly unnecessary display of acrobatic prowess. Such is life, ascending the ladder is a waste of time. The bunk shifts beneath his weight as he settles in again, but fortunately it doesn't squeak like some of the others a few blocks down.
Once he's still and settled, quietness descends the bunks for a long and permeating series of minutes.
Hesitantly, and don't ask him why, he decides to ask in a quiet murmur, "You wanna talk about it?"
The nightmare, he means. Not the book. Obviously.
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It's a kind offer. That's not something Steve takes for granted. He likes to see the best in people, but he's learned to temper his expectations. It's a little touching, if he's honest, but that doesn't change who he is.
"I really don't." He's unhappy enough that Bucky even knows he had a nightmare. It doesn't matter that Bucky admitted to his own nightmares or that he doesn't seem to be judging Steve. Steve doesn't like feeling vulnerable and he doesn't like talking about anything like this. Sometimes he still feels like that skinny kid who used to get picked on. He'd always had to prove himself back then and that hasn't really changed with the added years or muscle.
He closes his book and leans back against the wall, head craning up to look at the bottom of Bucky's bunk. "But thank you, Buck. I mean it."
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It's just that nobody's getting good counseling in god damn jail, are they? Anything other than the legal kind is second rate at best. They're dealing with shit, at least they can sort of deal with it together.
Plus, Steve called him Buck, and why dropping one single letter off of an already short nickname makes his heart feel fuzzy, he doesn't know. Either way, he opens up a dialogue with careful, calm words.
"I shot a kid once." He says, voice low and inscrutable. Not a brag, not a cry, just a statement of fact like he's distanced from it. A mile away, and pointing out the color of the sky. "Couldn't have been more than... twelve, maybe thirteen. They recruit young, they... grab kids, put guns in their hands, throw 'em out like nothing. There was this one... They put a vest on him, stuck a detonator in his hand, they sent him our direction... Everybody froze, nobody could take the shot. Didn't even give him a fucking helmet, they didn't give him shoes, I guess they were thinkin'... if he's just gonna... Why would he need 'em, if he's..."
Just going to blow, and take the shoes with him?
"So I did it. It was one of those... hand-release triggers where if you let go, it goes off. I took the shot, he looked at me, he dropped... I dream about that kid sometimes. Sometimes he blows. Sometimes he doesn't, and it turns out I was seeing it wrong, and it wasn't a vest at all, it was just some dumb kid who didn't understand why I did it."
A pause.
"So if I'm kicking up here, wake me up."
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He'd saved lives, but he doesn't need Steve to tell him that. This isn't some ethics discussion. The lives of the many were saved, but that kid had been no different from them. Younger and less-informed, but he'd been following orders that he'd thought were right and that's just as sad as anything else.
"I'll do that." His voice is soft as he looks up at the bottom of Bucky's bunk. He wishes he could see Bucky now, that he could reach out somehow, because this isn't the sort of place where too many people touch each other, but he thinks right now it would be warranted and this is private enough that no one else would know.
"You always remember the people you couldn't save." But that's all he's planning to offer of his own story. He just can't. It's too much and after the dream, it's so raw. He can still remember the blood on his hands and the ringing in his ears and his panic when he'd found a bloody finger nail in his uniform pocket. Sometimes the bombs were less obvious than a kid in a vest. That didn't stop them from going off.
He gives into the urge a little and reaches up to rest his hand against the bottom of Bucky's bunk gently.
"The nice woman at the VA always says you can't blame yourself for everyone you couldn't save." There's a fond little smile on his face and even if Bucky can't see his face right now, it seeps into his voice.
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"I don't," He says, because the nice woman at the VA is right. He doesn't blame himself for not saving that kid, and he knows if he hadn't taken the shot his whole troop would've been blown to fucking bits - or maybe another guy would've stepped up to do it. He knows this. "But it still happened."
And it is what it is.
And they are who they are.
There's no self-pity in his voice, toneless and factual. He compartmentalizes, he always has, that's how he gets through. It works for him most days, the feelings are a distant and unacknowledged memory. It's just that sleep has a way of letting the walls down long enough for invaders to slip through.
A few quiet moments pass, and he murmurs a soft, "Goodnight, Steve."
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After that, it seems silly not to try to sleep. He can't concentrate on his book and Bucky's sleeping above him and that thought is more comforting than it has a right to be, so he crawls back under the blanket and lets himself drift off to the sound of Bucky's breathing.
This isn't like being in the army. He isn't part of something bigger. He isn't fighting for anything other than himself. It's foreign and new, but he finds some comfort in the familiar, anyway. Maybe that's why so many of the vets stick together here. There are things they don't have to say and on the rare occasions when they do say something, it's met with understanding.
In the morning, he says nothing about the night before, because in the harsh light of their fluorescent day, it still seems dangerous to talk about anything that leaves either of them vulnerable. Most of the men in here are trying to serve out their sentence, but there are still a few troublemakers around who seem to eye Bucky like he's someone worth going after. Steve won't give Alex or any of his people an inch and despite those ground rules Bucky had laid out when they'd first met, Steve would absolutely have Bucky's back if anything came of it.
The longer Steve pay attention, the more he notices that Alex really does seem to have an eye on Bucky more often than he should, but Steve doesn't want to bring it up in front of anyone. Bucky probably already knows and Steve isn't going to assume that Bucky wants anyone else butting into it, but he keeps an eye out, anyway, as a few of them are playing their home-made off-brand scrabble around a plastic table. Steve doesn't want to make it obvious that he's watching Alex, but he isn't the most subtle person on a good day.
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Something's bound to be up. When he plays freight for double points and Sam flips him the bird, it feels like a hollow victory. That's about the time he buys out, sick of the eyes on him, sick of being scrutinized, with every intention of going back to their cell and just reading until Alex gets the stick out of his ass and fucks off.
He scrapes his chair back, murmurs his excuses about being done kicking everyone's asses so easily, and slips from the rec room.
He gets toward the end of the hall when six guys cut off the path to the cell blocks.
A look to the left, the right, the rear, and not a single guard in sight. They've either been paid off or a distraction has been arranged.
Alex leaves the rec room about fifteen seconds after Barnes does, eyes like a stalking predator.
"Oh, hell."
This is only gonna end one of two ways. Bucky beaten half (or all the way) to death in the infirmary, or Bucky beaten part of the way to death in SHU. Either way him versus six guys and Alex ain't gonna be a picnic.
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When he sees Alex gone from where he'd been perched all morning, though, Steve taps out on his turn and moves to leave.
Too much of a coincidence for Steve's liking and whatever is going on, he doesn't like it.
Running would call too much attention, so Steve walks at a brisk pace down the hall he knows Bucky would have taken. His legs are long and he catches up to the group just a moment after Alex does.
"Buck, are these guys bothering you?" Subtly really, really isn't his thing. Taking no shit, however, is his entire lifestyle at this point.
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And then Steve shows up to make matters ten times worse. He's spotless, he's green, if he gets involved he's going to blow any chance he's got of any good behavior time off his sentence and he's going to make a permanent enemy out of seven people.
Barnes heaves a sigh, doesn't even look back at him when he says, "Nope. All good here. Go back to the room, Steve."
"Yes, go back to the room, Steve," Alex agrees, toneless and crisp, with his fingers lacing along his front and a little bounce to his heels. "There's nothing here for you. James knows what he's in for."
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He clicks his tongue, eyes back on Alex. "Yeah, I don't think so."
There's a tense line to his back as he stays grounded right where he is. He might seem quiet and mild-mannered, but he knows how to fight to win. He's been doing it since he was a scrappy kid getting ganged up on by bullies twice his size and now that he's built like a tank and he's got years of military training under his belt, he's pretty sure he can take at least three or four of these men easily all by himself.
"This hardly feels like a fair fight, though. I'll give you boys a minute to walk away. No hard feelings."
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But he... also doesn't want to get the shit kicked out of him, so maybe he's a little grateful for the backup. Even so, he murmurs a quiet warning, "Steve..."
"One last opportunity, James," Alex says diplomatically, ignoring Steve for the moment in favor of his actual objective. "Save yourself and your new little friend the trouble and just give me what you owe me."
"Think I'll just take the beating, actually," Barnes says tonelessly.
Alex sighs. The boys look at him for direction, and after a hesitant beat he gives them a little go ahead wave. And then shit hits the fan. There's no dancing around it, there's no one at a time like kung-fu movies, there's just two guys lurching forward to grab him at once by the arms, a third swooping in to snatch up a kicking leg only to take a heel to the face from Barnes for his troubles. A fourth is quick to step in and grab it mid-air, supported by three limbs and writhing between them.
A floundering backward thrust gets him cracking Left Arm Guy's nose with the back his skull, a gross crunch that starts bleeding almost immediately and earns him a sudden drop to the ground for his troubles. Krav Maga, bitch.
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